Posted by Happy hump day! It is hump day, right? I struggle to keep up with what day of the week we’re on these days. As mentioned in my last post, there’s been a number of things that have occurred over the last couple of months that I thought would make for interesting reads. Turns out it’s less interesting reads, and more me trying to overcome the scars I’ve received. So, here’s a story for you.
Actually, before I go into this… if you’re planning on reading this just before your breakfast/lunch/dinner, you may want to think again.
So naturally, as a parent I’m expected to change dirty nappies. Seems reasonable enough… one day these kids will probably have to deal with me soiling myself too when I’m old and senile… at 40 years of age.
On one particular day at home, the OddSon loaded his nappy so I took him to the nappy changing station. Took off his nappy for about 5 seconds to let the air hit him, then put that nappy back on to give him a chance to wet himself. All part of the routine. Just like every other day. A few minutes later I decide it’s time to go in. Open new nappy – put it in position – remove old nappy – wipe – wipe again – wipe again again – reach for the Sudocrem… and then it happened.
He went full throttle. I’m not talking piss here. I’m talking full on shit. Now, I’d like to think my reflexes aren’t too bad. In this instance I went into dodge mode. Think bullet time from the Matrix.
To be fair I was still sprayed a little bit on the arm, but I did a pretty good job of dodging. At least that’s that I thought was the right action before I realised what had occurred.
Shit. Shit everywhere.
How can a being so small push out shit with such force?! But even then he wasn’t done. More poo was being pushed out – this time I had a towel over his bottom to stop it going everywhere. So, the OddSon decides to piss instead, and caught me in the hair. I was paralysed. Rooted to the spot. So I had to call the commanding officer to save the day. God bless Mrs OddFather.
On reflection – as I cleaned shit off the carpet, wall, skirting and radiator – I realised standing my ground and letting the shit hit me would have been the better option. Taking one for the team.
I had to go back and measure the distance that the poo went. 1.61m. And that was blocked by the wall. Had the wall not been there it would probably still be going round the planet as we speak! Such was the force.
Where does that leave me now?
Well, I think I have PTSD. I’m a little nervous around every nappy change. It’s a race against time. Each nappy change from this moment forward is akin to a bomb disarming scene in movies.
But lesson of the story: Stand your ground. ALWAYS stand your ground.
Enjoy your meals!