Hello and welcome to a bonus football post where I make my Arsenal predictions for the upcoming season. Some of these are serious, some of these are silly, and others have me questioning which mushrooms I used for dinner this evening.
1. Arsenal will win the Premier League in 2027
I’m straight up saying it – Arsenal are going to win the league. It’s not really a hot take, most people are predicting it. But I don’t think it’ll be a walk in the park either. I think we’ll struggle the first half of the season in particular with fatigue/injuries to key players like Saliba, Rice, and Saka. That said, with so much change amongst our rivals, this would be a wasted opportunity were we not to retain the crown.
2. Arsenal will finish the season with 86 points
Why 86? I just like that number. I think we’ll be slightly better in how many points we accumulate next season, but I don’t think any team will be getting over 90 points any time soon.
3. Arsenal will score 80 goals in the league
Once again, I think we’ll be marginally better than last season in terms of goals scored. I just can’t see Arsenal making huge strides here without getting more firepower on the left wing. At the time of writing, we’re yet to make a signing there.
4. Arsenal will concede 35 goals in the league
This one is quite sad to write. William Saliba being out for a significant chunk of the season is going to hurt us, and I think we’ll see that reflected in our goals conceded. There’s simply no available defender out there better than Saliba.
5. Chelsea will finish closest to Arsenal in the league
There’s a lot of talk about City here. But I think there’s something about Chelsea. Their lack of European football for starters. The fact that Alonso seems to know what he’s doing. And maybe City will finally get hit by a points deduction. Yep, I do comedy every now and then.
The remainder of the top 4 positions will be made up by the Manchester teams, with Sp*rs finishing 5th.
6. Kai Havertz will be Arsenal’s top goalscorer
For me, Kai Havertz is our best striker (at the time of writing). His intelligent movement just gives us that extra something, even if he’s not as clinical as Gyökeres. Combine that with Ødegaard‘s return to form and I think we’ll be cooking like its 2024.
7. Bukayo Saka will finish the season with the most assists
Is this all wishful thinking based on that season where Saka was on top of his assist game before being struck by injury? The man has unfinished business – and have you seen his hair?
8. Martin Ødegaard will be Arsenal’s Player of the season
Another player I think will be out there to prove a point. There were calls for his armband to be passed on last season. Ridiculous if you ask me. But he’s going to do a lot of talking on the pitch this season – and we’ll all marvel at the superstar he is.
9. Christos Tzolis is the summer signing that will have the biggest impact
Not really much to choose from here at the moment. I’ve been impressed by Tzolis. I reckon he will make that position on the left his by the end of the season and we’ll no longer be screaming for a LW next summer.
10. Bruno Guimarães will get Arsenal’s first red card
It’s just written isn’t it? He got away with murder at Newcastle. But the moment he sticks on that Arsenal shirt he is going to have a target on his back and the PGMOL are going to be out to get him.
11. Viktor Gyökeres will have the biggest drop-off
We wouldn’t have won the league without Gyökeres last season. And for that I am eternally grateful. But Havertz is our number one, and that will affect Gyökeres‘ game time and therefore his numbers will experience a huge drop.
12. Arsenal’s biggest Premier League win will be 5-0 against Hull City
Sorry Hull. I just picked one of the promoted teams with my eyes closed and picked you for the biggest win for Arsenal. For what it’s worth, all three promoted teams will be going back down in May.
13. Arsenal’s heaviest Premier League loss will be 3-1 against Liverpool
Why is this prediction even in here? I hate our games at Anfield. And whilst I reckon Liverpool will have a very up and down season I believe Isak will have his best game for them at Anfield against us. This is the game Guimarães will be sent off that will lead to the loss.
14. Arsenal will go as far as the Semi-Finals in the Champions League
I’m so up and down about this. I’m a man of patterns. So, when I look at the progression in the Champions League over the last few seasons and see: Quarter Finals – Semi Finals – Final, I’d like to think the next step is winning the bloody thing.
But, the realistic voice in my head is telling me that we’ll have a set back next season. I fancy one of the Spanish big two to do it this season. And hopefully with my feelings protected that means we’ll win the Champions League. That’s some pretty fucked up reverse psychology crap I’m trying.
15. Arsenal will win the FA Cup
Because I believe we’ll be winning more than one cup next summer. Which brings me to…
16. Arsenal will only reach the Quarter Finals of the League Cup
This cup is a waste of space. We haven’t won it in recent history, and after last season I don’t care to get to the final again. Max Dowman will captain the U16s to a penalty loss against eventual winners… Hull City.
17. Piero Hincapié will become the unexpected cult hero
He’ll become the new face of Calvin Klein’s underwear range after his arse-exposing at the end of last season. This will inevitably drive up Arsenal shirt (and pant) sales, while his performances help keep Arsenal on a 10-game run without conceding a goal — winning the title in the process.
18. The biggest surprise of the season will be the sale of Madueke in the January transfer window
It’s no secret I’m not a fan of Madueke. Just not enough end product for me. That probably drives this prediction a bit. Long term I think Max Dowman will be second to Saka on the right wing. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Madueke departed by summer next year.
19. The defining moment of the season will be beating Manchester City at the Etihad Stadium
We’re due a win there. And I feel we are going to get just that at the end of January. Saliba will be back to full match fitness and have a man of the match performance. And this win will lead us on a run to win the title with games to spare.
20. Martinelli will match Vinícius Jr’s goals and assists
This is my “I’m probably going to regret this” prediction. I think Gabriel Martinelli will finish the season with the same number of goals and assists as Vinícius Jr. Yes, that Vinícius Jr. At Real Madrid. And yes, Martinelli might not even be at Arsenal by the time this is published. I don’t care. I’m putting it out there.
And with my credibility now firmly on the line, all that’s left is to wait for the season to begin. Let’s see how many of these look genius — and how many look absolutely bloody ridiculous — come May. Let the fun, games (and hair tearing) begin!
