I have a problem.
I’m getting fat.
No holding back. Straight in there.
There’s that common belief about how when you turn 40, anything you eat ends up sticking to you like superglue. Or whatever the actual saying is – a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.
It may surprise some of you, but I love a kebab. I love eating shit that isn’t good for you. It’s not my fault – blame the addictives.
Recently though, I’ve realised I really do have no self control.
I would have thought my biggest addiction in life would be alcohol. This is for various reasons – from growing up in a pro-alcohol household, to the fact I really do like to indulge whereby anyone that really knows me has some story or other about me being completely plastered.
Ask me to go an extended amount of time without an alcoholic drink though, and that’s not as difficult as some would think of me.
Ask me to cut down my junk food – and it just triggers a craving for a kebab followed by a sharer bag of Malteasers… but without the actual sharing.
It doesn’t help that a pregnant Mrs OddFather has cravings for cheesy Wotsits. She’d usually buy a sharer bag, open it, take a handful, and put the rest in the cupboard.
Enter the OddFather.
I will take the remaining 90% of the Wotsits, and annihilate them as if they were some form of magic beans.
Mrs OddFather would then get upset at me for devouring her Wotsits (get that out your head you filthy animal) and will go on to buy another pack of cheesy Wotsits – and the cycle repeats again.
It still sounds reasonable, right? It’s only human nature to crave. But once, on a working day at home, I was alone. Fairly typical start. I got the cravings for chocolate so went to the snack cupboard. On my orders, Mrs OddFather didn’t top up the snack cupboard. Her advice ran through my head – “if you’re hungry, go for a couple of pieces of fruit, and a vegetable snack”. So I ate a banana, a handful of blueberries, and carrot sticks.
Still, the urge for junk was there.
I rummaged around all cupboards. And then I found something at the back of the cupboard… Chocolate sprinkles. Out of date by a year, no less. I inhaled them. Still, wasn’t enough. I found the hot chocolate powder, grabbed a tablespoon, and shoved it down my throat.
By this point the Oddkids had returned home and saw me at my weakest.
I think it’s fair to say that was a new low point in my life.
So, what am I going to do about this? Well, in August my plan was to cut out the junk, snacks and alcohol. I failed straight away.
But this is a new month. I’m starting small.
No chocolates. No crisps. No biscuits. No cake. Just No snacks.
If I have a kebab every day then so be it. If I get hammered every day, so be it.
I’m a week into it – I’m going to be honest, I failed slightly in that I ate a bit of a gingerbread cake the OddDaughter had made. But she really wanted me to try it so that for me was reasonable.
Why am I telling you this? Well, quite simply this is me going public so I can be held accountable. If I fail drastically, then you can lose what little respect you have left for me.
To be fair it does make a difference starting small – it has also made me conscious of not eating takeaway as much as I otherwise would have. Which is A LOT.
When I start running again I’m hoping this will continue to build good habits. The more good habits I have, the more good habits I’ll try and stick to. Just not all starting at the same time.
So there you have it. I’ll touch base next month and let you know how well, or catastrophically, I’ve stuck to this. Feel free to point it out if you see me standing in a queue for an ice cream.
